Ah summer. It’s that time of year again. The time when women put on uncomfortable, revealing swimsuits and body shame each other. When our frantic desire for hairlessness causes us to shave our bodies from the the tip of our noses to the bottom of our toenails.
I, for one, despise bathing suit season. Not because of the heat or the humidity. But because I’ve never found a swimsuit that I’m totally comfortable in. If my boobs look good then I most definitely have a camel toe. And no matter what I wear, my ass resembles that of an 85-year-old man.
So instead of beating myself up over it, I have embraced it. I buy bathing suits that make me laugh or that tell a story. Or at least that cover a significant part of my body. And if I feel myself comparing my body to another woman – another woman who is 25 and looks like she’s never tasted Nutella in her life and has skin that is soft and supple and boobs that are the size of grapefruits – well then I’ll order another cocktail with a side of bacon and tell myself that she’s probably super boring on the inside.
And then I’ll find more ridiculously awesome swimsuits to add to this list…
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You’re a Fine-Apple
Literally nothing says summer like a pineapple. Literally nothing. If you don’t pick up a pineapple-inspired swimsuit this year you’ll skip straight from May to November and miss all the boat parties and barbecues and rosé-all-day brunches that everyone else will be having. Don’t make that mistake.
Or, if you’re feeling particularly adventurous, opt for one that makes you appear naked save for some appropriately placed vegetation.
Obviously don’t forget all of your adorable, matching, pineapple-themed accessories! Sunglasses, a beach blanket, a matching fruity floaty, and the cutest purse the world has ever known will really tie your pine-ass outfit together!
Make sure you invest in this shiny gold pineapple chalice – the lid magically turns into a stand for resting your piña colada on while you are busy being awesome.
Also I am seriously contemplating having a baby just so I can dress him/her up in this:
Most women select swimsuits that make them feel attractive, sexy, and feminine. And there’s no better swimsuit to help you accomplish that task than one that will make you look like a hairy, chubby old man. But if that treasure trail is too aggressive for your taste, just stick to one offering pubic hair that only covers the most important bits.
Don’t forget to pick up up a cute matching set for the man in your life!
If your man prefers to show off his own chest hair, don’t worry, you can still match! Don’t you two look adorable together?
And you better pick up a cute matching bag to store all of your valuables! This extra-belly-flab-fanny-pack will pair perfectly with your new dad-bod swimsuit.
If you want to go all-out awkward, buy a swimsuit that makes it look like your stomach is being swallowed into a black and white swirly abyss or that you’re being groped by a stranger from behind. Eye’s up here guys!
And nothing is more awesomely awkward than admitting to doing the one thing that we all know we do…
Communication is Key
Why use your words to communicate your thoughts with your friends, family members, or complete strangers, when you can buy a swimsuit that states exactly what you’re thinking? Everyone at the beach wants to know that it’s your birthday and you plan to “slay” (whatever that means). And they definitely need to know what to do with you just in case you get lost.
And obviously everyone should be aware of how often you “vacay” (and the fact that you like to shorten words). And how long will you be enjoying that refreshing glass of rosé anyway? Don’t say it with words, say it with lycra!
And don’t you dare forget a cover-up that explains a bit more about your day, your hair, where you are, or what kind of vibes you’ve got going on.
Although it’s usually pointless and incoherent, men occasionally have stuff to say as well. They tend to be much more comfortable communicating through their groin than through their mouth so these trunks are absolutely perfect for your male companion! Plus we all need to know whether or not he’s parched.
Under the Sea
We don’t all see eye-to-eye on politics or religion but I think we can all agree that The Little Mermaid is the best Disney movie of all time. Embrace your inner Ariel either with this mermaid-inspired zip one-piece or this two-piece with bright purple fake shell cups!
If you have a willing mer-man-friend or you expect to meet one this summer, pick up a matching pair for him so the world will know that you’ll be together forever!
And nothing makes a man know you’re future-wife-material more than planning 9 months ahead with this adorable mermaid-baby swimsuit. You’ll be such a cute mer-family!
Obviously it would be ridiculous to buy a mermaid swimsuit without springing for the pool floaty tail to match!
Have you ever tried to swim in a totally restricting off-the-shoulder top? Of course you haven’t, that would be ridiculous… or would it? Prove to the world that you prefer fashion over function in this swimsuit that is nothing like an actual swimsuit or this one that’s exactly the same but in floral print.
Combine the off-the-shoulder sleeves with tassels and an extra deep V and you’ve got possibly the most impractical and amazing swimsuit of all time!
Whoever said that suspenders are only meant to help keep your pants up? They were lying. They are meant to keep you looking trendy, fabulous, and ready for a swim. These suits are completely and utterly ridiculous and confusing but I definitely need both of them!
Would you be more likely to wear this one to the pool or to prom? What if your prom was in a pool? Or you had a pool at your prom? It’s versatile, you need it.
Now That’s a Deep-V
Know how to spice up a dull day at the beach? Play a quick game of “will my nips slip out of this bathing suit?” It’s fun for the whole family! These suits will keep everyone guessing all day.
Sadly this one is missing the bottom of the V, but it’s still pretty unlikely that those ta-tas will stay put for long.
Tasteful Tan Lines
Gone are the days of topless tanning or untying your back straps to avoid tan lines. The tan line trend for this summer is “the more the merrier!” This suit will guarantee that when you remove your suit after a long day at the beach you’ll look like you’ve been caught in a fishing net.
Can’t decide if you want strappy or solid tan lines? This suit allows you to have both! And I’m not sure that this one even qualifies as a swimsuit but I’m digging it anyway. Sleeves AND a belly belt? Count me in!
Don’t forget to throw on a cover-up that doesn’t actually cover anything up so you don’t burn!
America the Great
I just love my country, don’t you? And nothing says “I’m an American Goddamnit!” quite like being forced to stand for our national anthem. Or like squeezing your bum into an itsy bitsy teeny weeny red, white, and blue American flag bikini. These are sure to impress during your fried chicken and Bud Light extravaganzas this summer!
And if you really want to show our fearless leader how much you adore and respect him, be sure to put his face directly on your crotch. It’ll look “UGE!”
The Puuuuuurfect Suit
Do you love your pet more than most people? Do you find yourself sitting on the beach, wondering what Fido is doing when he’s home alone? Pay homage to your furry friend by depicting him chowing down tacos and pizza right there on your belly! Or riding on the backs of mythical creatures. Honestly it seems like your pet has way more fun when you’re not around anyway.
If you don’t have a pet but you’re still a ridiculous badass, pick yourself up a suit that says “I want to eat you alive”. It’s kind of like shanking someone in prison, everyone at the beach will know who’s boss.
Now eat that cupcake, pour yourself another glass of vino, throw on your new hairy-man-belly swimsuit and hit the pool. No one will notice that food baby and they’ll all be jealous of how awesomely ridiculous you are!
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